On Leadership, Chaos and Growing Up

Sometimes I avoid writing a blog post because I feel I don’t yet have the answer to the question that originally inspired the writing of the post. Confused yet? I am.

But that’s a copout. We’re all sort of searching for answers or at least the smart ones are.

So here goes. For some time, I’ve heard from people I admire and respect that I am a leader. Flattered? Yes. Confused? Certainly. Because deep down I don’t really feel like a leader. I don’t have all the answers, my daily life is often chaotic and most of the time, I feel like a 16 year old in a big girl’s world. What if my decisions, recommendations or advice makes someone go off the proverbial cliff?

How do you grow into the role that people almost unanimously ascribe to you before you’re ready? I submit there are a few ways, you can decide which is right, which is wrong and which is just plain stupid:

1) Do nothing. I have, until recently, smiled demurely, downplayed my strengths and promoted those I thought (and still think) were more qualified than I to have a place in the spotlight: as an influencer, as a teacher, as a leader, as a winner. It is, certainly, the easiest way out of a path that is as comfortable as a baggy pair of pants that keep falling down (and seems as big). But it’s lazy. It’s lazy and it condemns one to a life of mediocrity at best and a boring, stagnant career at worst.

2) You lie. You pretend to know what you’re doing, never ask questions to which you don’t know the answer and play up minor accomplishments to prove your worth. This is all done in the hope that eventually, you will BE the person to pretend to be and finally feel comfortable in your “professional skin”. Sometimes this “fake it til you make it” strategy really works. My issue with it is two-fold: first, you’re lying and probably will eventually be called out; second, you can go broke leasing a Beemer to prove your net worth is higher than it actually is. Also I think (and I may be overstating my or anyone else’s personal accountability here) it’s disingenous. (younger) People are watching you.

3) You react. This is another strategy at which I excel in the execution. When faced with an issue, react first, figure out how to do it later. Research, Read, Bravado, Repeat. Reacting can be very useful in making your colleagues and employers believe you are indispensible but it can also derail a career in your strengths. Ex. I never knew how to make the iced tea at the restaurant where I worked. The big machines, the hot steam escaping, the whole ordeal terrified me and I was NOT interested in learning. Then one day my boss said “Make the iced tea”. I figured it out and did it and it worked. Which was great, until everyone started asking me to make the iced tea. I wanted to waitress for the tips and social aspect not be stuck in the back with huge vats of iced tea.

4) You leap. Sometimes if you throw enough stuff at the wall, something will stick. This is the general slogan of folks who leap. If you’re scared of too much responsibility, just jump into it and see. While this sounds like the best answer, I think it has to be girded by solid safety measures and planning. No one lets you jump out of a plane without training and a parachute. So find a mentor, learn from them, and then when enough people are screaming “JUMP!”, just do it.

So here’s my advice to anyone else struggling with leadership duties decidedly above their perceived pay grade: you’re not 16 anymore, you can find people smarter than you to guide you and you will fit into those pants someday. Promise.

 

Say what you need to say

Ah, communication. My major in college, the source of many debates, books, articles and yes blog posts. If we miscommunicate, arguments result, feelings are hurt and marriages, businesses and relationships fail. There’s a lot at stake within the boundaries of communication.

I apologize for yet ANOTHER John Mayer song title  (I don’t really. I love him.), but this one seemed apt. See, words can get jacked up by a lot of things and very often we miscommunicate what we really intend. But sometimes, we meet people who say EXACTLY what they’re feeling and mean every last word.

Usually, those people fall into the following categories: crazy, famous so no one tells them they’re crazy, too old to give a crap and smarter than anyone reading (or writing) this post. They often get a lot of grief for yelling and screaming and not sugar-coating their words. They don’t really fit in. And if there’s no medical reason for their over-honesty, they are often written off as bullies, saboteurs or worse. And heaven help us if that person is a woman.

My mom used to say “Just because you’re not yelling and screaming doesn’t mean you’re not saying hurtful things.” She was dead on right. While the yellers and screamers are mocked, punished, raked over the coals and slapped on the hand for uncouth and unseemly behavior; the wilier provacateurs tend to get off scot-free. This behavior, while just as abusive and harmful to workplace productivity (and meaningful conversation on ANY given topic), is overlooked, excused away or worse, ignored. And you guessed it, women do it more than men.

And while a yeller might raise more of a ruckus, a passive aggressive destructor can do even worse damage, effectively clearing the playing field, using a sweet voice and a trail of hurt feelings behind.

What’s up with that? Do you have someone in your life that is a passive-aggressive destructobot? How do you deal?

 

PS I’m a yeller. Just say what you need to say.